Loving yourself is hard and tedious

I can vouch that every person in this world has a hard time accepting parts of themselves. Every person in this world has some sort of insecurity and every person wants to be something in order to love themselves.
I am torn between loving myself and just accepting the way I am, and the toughness of having to face parts of myself that I couldn't accept. But I try hard to. I try hard to accept that sometimes I'm just a messy motherfucker, I have to accept that my teeth is crooked for now, I have to accept that sometimes I don't choose the right clothing, I have to accept that some things just play in my mind until I can get self-destructive and sometimes I just have to accept that I don't love myself as much. I am always in self-loathing. I am always in an unhappy stage where nothing seems right even though nothing is happening in my life. The pressure that every moment brings give us opportunity that I couldn't accept, even if I want to.

It has come to a point that I realize that I'm just here. tormented by time and space of other people's lives and the ability to be nice but not too nice. I'm speaking with my head and heart

Fear and loathing everyday

Fear is such an interesting topic to me, in a way that it strikes up different method of how people deal with it. Some people run from it. Some embrace it. Some crazy enough to just fuck the fear and go on full blown because something in their mind clicks and probably they psych themselves to thinking that it's gonna be okay after facing that fear.

I read a few articles online that said, "remember that most fear is irrational", and that you can never know what the outcome is. I guess that's what goes on in successful people's mind. Is that they manage to turn fear into pleasure and excitement.

I have social fears. I think it boils down to where I came from and how I am brought up. Whenever I am in a social situation suddenly I don't remember anything or what to do or how to say it. And I think I am never the only one with this problem, and we have to face the fact that it's okay to feel that way.

Maybe when you meet a person, you should state your feelings straight away. "Hi, I'm awkward", or somewhere along the lines so that you get this feeling of something that has been lifted up from your chest. But say it like you mean it. This goes for all you awkward penguins who think they can't strike up a conversation.

Anyways, I'm watching a marathon of "tales of mere existence" on Youtube. You should check it out.

Frederic Chopin

I learned piano when I was 4. My grandparents were and still are great musicians. My grandfather is one of the more prominent classics composers in Malaysia. That's why I think my mother put me up to playing the piano. But I never liked playing the piano, because I think that most of my songs that my teacher taught me were generic, boring songs. But I don't know, I was a kid back then, how was I supposed to cherish classic songs? The only piece I loved to death by playing it was Sebastian Bach's 'Prelude in C major'. I stopped playing the piano at the age of 12, but every time I had the chance to play the piano, I will always and always play that song.

But anyway, I loved piano songs with a lot of emotions, that was written with a lot of sadness and tragedy, instead of written happily. I always like piano songs that take the worst or the best out of you, makes you think about the things you did, kind of like post rock music such as Mogwai or Explosions in the Sky.

I just recently saw 'The Pianist', a brilliant film by Roman Polanski, Chopin must be one of my favourite composers of all time.

Comedy central

We laugh at things. I tend to laugh at random things, sometimes I laugh at shitty lame jokes and other times I laugh at sophisticated British humor or I'll laugh at things that people don't usually find it funny. For almost three hours now I've been watching Russell Peters and Louis CK I didn't realize how funny it was. I sometimes have a problem with finding something funny because it's not always the right...funny.

I love David Shrigley, Lev Yilmaz, George Carlin and the Coen Brothers. They not necessarily fit the 'comedy club' but something about those people in their work made me giggle.

I particularly liked a scene in the film 'In Bruge' while Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Finnes were on top of a tower in Bruges trying to settle a bit of tension between them, Brendan gave Ralph a thoroughly touching speech that made Ralph think twice about shooting him. After that, there was a short awkward silence, but Ralph shot his foot anyways. I found it awesomely funny.

Sometimes I feel like a potential psychopath, because I sometimes laugh at things that shouldn't be laughed at.  But some artists can make people laugh at death for example, like the scene from pulp fiction, the part when Marvin was shot in the head. But I don't think I was the only one in the world who laughed at that, but I don't know why, I just found it extremely crude and funny.

Maybe I like straightforward jokes, but what I think about being funny is just your ability to be funny. I was told that it was about timing, but I had a hard time believing that. I found funny just funny

So now you have met with my post 10 o'clock at night side. I usually go to bed by 11, but since it's Friday, Fuck it, right?

Philosophy

Every now and then when I check facebook, people seem to have too much philosophical ideas. I think it's a way to make themselves seemed smarter or agree with

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pardon me, when I write about things I tend to lose focus, I tend to go "the fuck am I writing?" it's some sort of problem I have with myself, I'll cover that one later. I remembered one time I had to write a personal paper for my theater lecturer, I didn't like at all what I was writing, and it's a habit, and it's the few reasons why I never liked writing, for a blog or for a paper. I never liked it at all.

But I have to try it one day, I'm hoping I can start now, This post seemed to not make any sort of fucking sense but oh well, I was pissed off at myself for not knowing what to write.

Intro

Budak Subang gila kat Fresno is a comedy tragedy blog, created by Adam bin Zakaria. In this blog you will follow the journey of Adam, through untold random stories and philosophies he is about to share with you, whether you do care or not. He lives in a decent apartment in Fresno, while studying to become a psychologist at CSU Fresno. He was  transfer student from a small country of Malaysia, with many of you not knowing because of ignorance or you never cared of searching for Malaysia anywhere in the atlas.

Budak Subang Gila kat Fresno means "crazy boy from Subang (Malaysia) in Fresno". A satrical title from two of adam's bandmates. They suggested the title because of my crazy personality I had when I was a drummer in the band 'Hot Balls'

So yeah, I just wrote myself from a third person and first person point of view. I told you I am random.

My brain is never organized, I blurt out whatever comes to mind, even though it might sound stupid. Hey, it's better than just keeping it right? someone might find me interesting.

Anyways, I'd like to thank Mun Kiong and Sanjay for this stupid yet cleverly constructed name for a title, I wanted to write a blog about my life and opinions for so long now, and since I would like to save money from going out so much, might as well I write about stuff on a blog.